Coping With Sudden Death

Losing a loved one under any circumstance is a painful and devastating experience. When the loss occurs suddenly, the capacity to cope is significantly reduced. Shock and disbelief impair reasoning and delay recovery and in most cases leads to complicated grief that can prolong healing. Sudden death denies us a gradual transition or the time to make necessary preparations. Instead we are thrust into a world of disbelief, confusion and anxiety while at the same time having to adjust to a dramatically altered lifestyle. We are required to deal with unfamiliar responsibilities and make decisions that we are ill prepared to make.

Oftentimes people that experience sudden loss also experience feelings of guilt causing us to mentally reconstruct the events that lead to the tragedy. We obsess over what we could have done to prevent it. Our grief is additionally complicated when we are denied the opportunity to say good-bye, and made worse still if there is unfinished business with our loved one.

It is easy to lose hope when we struggle under such enormous weight. Our limitations as human beings leave us inadequately prepared to cope with one tragedy after another. So what can we do? How do we help someone who is staggering under the onslaught of emotions due to sudden death?

1. Admit the loss and acknowledge the pain. Remaining in denial will only serve to complicate and prolong the grieving process.

2. Keep in mind that everyone experiences grieving and mourning differently. There is no right or wrong way or a specific time when grieving should end.

3. Seek strength and comfort through prayer and allow your faith in God to bring healing.

4. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you are feeling. Express your emotions as you need to and seek counseling if/when necessary.

5. Accept help from others but ask for privacy when you need to be alone. Find a quiet place where you can take stock of your emotions and explore your options.

6. If you need to say good-bye in order to achieve closure write a letter to the person you lost. Share your feelings openly and honestly. When you letter is finished read it out loud and say a prayer of release.    

7. Join a support group with people that have experienced a similar loss to yours. Listening to the experiences of others and learning what has helped them can encourage and comfort you. 

No matter how much we might want to speed up the healing process, it’s important to keep in mind that healing takes place gradually and while total healing may never happen, nor will our life return to the way it was previously, there is a lessening of sorrow. As the grief becomes less intense and the depression lifts, we can move in a new direction with renewed hope.

Paulina has a Master of Arts degree in Counseling. She conducts workshops on Healing From Loss & is the grief group facilitator at her church. Her book, “Life Interrupted; Grief Recovery Guide and Workbook” is available through Amazon & her website: http://www.grief-recovery.org.

Living Truth

“You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.” John 8:32

Denial serves a purpose—at least in the beginning. It helps to cushion the initial shock and enables you to make whatever arrangements need to be made. But when denial is used to avoid reality it becomes a cushion with a false bottom.

When tragedy strikes, denial can seem like a way to escape the unbearable and overwhelming reality. However, stifling emotions connected to loss creates additional complications for the simple reason that suppressed emotions don’t stay suppressed. Sooner or later they’ll begin to surface with greater-than-ever intensity, causing you to exhibit behavior that’s not in keeping with your usual lifestyle such as: risk-taking, gambling, chemical abuse, or perhaps struggling with clinical depression and/or chronic illness.

Dealing with emotions means facing reality and that in turn means grappling with all the feelings that you’re experiencing. Thankfully, not all of them have to be dealt with at once. You can examine and work through them as they emerge. While dealing with raw emotions may not sound very appealing—living your life fully and with purpose is worth the effort it will take to reach that goal.

The above is an excerpt from my book, Life Interrupted: Grief Recovery Guide and Workbook, available through http://www.grief-recovery.org/ and Amazon.com. Visit the website to download FREE ‘Healing From Loss’ articles.

What Can I Do To Help?

The pain that we feel when we loose a loved one as a result of death or divorce affects each of us differently. It’s a deeply personal experience that we interpret through our unique view of the world and our lived experiences. Many factors including our personality, beliefs, culture and our relationship with the person we lost will determine how we grieve. The range of emotions that we feel can include: denial, anger, fear, hurt, depression, guilt, etc. Our emotions may vary in intensity as well as the manner in which we express them.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve nor is there a prescribed length of time. Some people may grieve for weeks, months or even years before they’re ready to move forward and embrace life again.

Allowing the grieving person room to find their own way toward healing while at the same time providing support is a wonderful thing. Caring can be expressed in many ways. The following are a few suggestions.

• Send a card with a handwritten note
• Call them on a regular basis
• Listen without censoring or judging
• Invite them to dinner at your home
• Encourage them to attend a grief support group
• Offer to attend the first meeting with them
• Give them a grief recovery book if they’re not ready to join a group.
• Ask them what they need help with

There are many other ways that you can help–let your heart lead the way. The important thing is to stay in touch and follow through with your offer to help.

To read and download additional articles on Healing From Loss please visit my website.  www.grief-recovery.org

Let Others Help You

“Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up…” (1 Thes 5:11)

Many people believe they need to be strong and “take it on the chin” when faced with a crisis including the loss of a loved one. Being tough is a form of denial and, while it may seem to work in the beginning, in the long run it creates more problems for the simple reason that suppressed emotions don’t stay suppressed. They tend to find an outlet often with negative consequences.

Expressing emotion doesn’t mean we need to be loud and dramatic if that’s not our way. Sharing can be done in a way that’s fits our personality and is natural for us. Choosing friends and family that we trust and sharing our feelings with them, joining a support group, private counseling or even writing in a journal and ongoing prayer are forms that work well. The goal is to be open and honest and allow ourselves to express what we’re feeling when we’re feeling it.

Humans aren’t made to live isolated lives nor are we meant to struggle alone when faced with tragedy. God clearly intends for us to support one another. Holding ourselves aloof and denying our feeling not only compounds our pain it also prevents others from offering their comfort.

To download FREE Healing From Loss articles and purchase books on grief recovery please visit http://www.grief-recovery.org

Dealing With Denial

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” (Ps 46:1)Denial serves a purpose, at least in the beginning.  It helps to cushion the initial shock.  But when denial is used to avoid reality it becomes a cushion with a “false bottom.”  The longer we remain in denial, the more we risk falling into one or more of the traps that denial leads to: self-indulgent behavior, rage, clinical depression, illness, etc.

In order to avoid being trapped, we need to face reality, and that means grappling with all the emotions that are being supressed.  Thankfully, not all of them have to be dealt with at once.  We can examine and work through them as they emerge.  Below are some questions that you can ask yourself.  Listen carefully to the answers and write them down. It’s easy to forget if you don’t and the answer may provide valuable clues.

What occured recently that caused dramatic changes in my life?

How have those changes impacted my life?

I find it difficult to understand why________?

I find it hard to listen to________?

Who can I share my feelings with? (Trust is important.)

While dealing with raw emotions may not sound very appealing, it’s comforting to know that God understands our suffering and is eager to help us.

Are there varying degrees of denial? Please share your thoughts.

To read and/or download articles on grief recovery please visit my website.  www.grief-recovery.org

Acceptance and Forgiveness

Accepting what happened is a major part of healing. Remaining in denial prolongs the struggle and the perception that we have of ourselves as victims. Assuming the role of victim prevents us from moving forward and receiving the help and blessings that are available.

Forgiveness plays a major role in acceptance. Assigning blame is not only futile it’s also self-defeating. While we’re holding others accountable for what happened we’re refusing to accept the situation for what it is (part of our life experience). No matter what occurred or how deep the injury, learning from the experience and moving forward with greater wisdom is a lesson that will benefit us in the future.

Staying locked in unforgiveness and refusing to learn assures us that we will repeat the same mistake.

What situation in your life did you find difficult to forgive? What helped you to forgive?

To read and/or download articles on grief recovery please visit my website.  www.grief-recovery.org