Losing a loved one under any circumstance is a painful and devastating experience. When the loss occurs suddenly, the capacity to cope is significantly reduced. Shock and disbelief impair reasoning and delay recovery and in most cases leads to complicated grief that can prolong healing. Sudden death denies us a gradual transition or the time to make necessary preparations. Instead we are thrust into a world of disbelief, confusion and anxiety while at the same time having to adjust to a dramatically altered lifestyle. We are required to deal with unfamiliar responsibilities and make decisions that we are ill prepared to make.
Oftentimes people that experience sudden loss also experience feelings of guilt causing us to mentally reconstruct the events that lead to the tragedy. We obsess over what we could have done to prevent it. Our grief is additionally complicated when we are denied the opportunity to say good-bye, and made worse still if there is unfinished business with our loved one.
It is easy to lose hope when we struggle under such enormous weight. Our limitations as human beings leave us inadequately prepared to cope with one tragedy after another. So what can we do? How do we help someone who is staggering under the onslaught of emotions due to sudden death?
1. Admit the loss and acknowledge the pain. Remaining in denial will only serve to complicate and prolong the grieving process.
2. Keep in mind that everyone experiences grieving and mourning differently. There is no right or wrong way or a specific time when grieving should end.
3. Seek strength and comfort through prayer and allow your faith in God to bring healing.
4. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you are feeling. Express your emotions as you need to and seek counseling if/when necessary.
5. Accept help from others but ask for privacy when you need to be alone. Find a quiet place where you can take stock of your emotions and explore your options.
6. If you need to say good-bye in order to achieve closure write a letter to the person you lost. Share your feelings openly and honestly. When you letter is finished read it out loud and say a prayer of release.
7. Join a support group with people that have experienced a similar loss to yours. Listening to the experiences of others and learning what has helped them can encourage and comfort you.
No matter how much we might want to speed up the healing process, it’s important to keep in mind that healing takes place gradually and while total healing may never happen, nor will our life return to the way it was previously, there is a lessening of sorrow. As the grief becomes less intense and the depression lifts, we can move in a new direction with renewed hope.
Paulina has a Master of Arts degree in Counseling. She conducts workshops on Healing From Loss & is the grief group facilitator at her church. Her book, “Life Interrupted; Grief Recovery Guide and Workbook” is available through Amazon & her website: http://www.grief-recovery.org.