How To Get Through The Holidays While Grieving

When we’ve lost someone or something that’s meaningful to us, whether it’s a person, a job or a home, we struggle with an array of emotions. Those feelings seem to intensify during holidays or anniversaries. Knowing what to expect is helpful so is deciding how we’ll handle our emotions and taking action. Below are a few suggestions.

Pray without ceasing.

Prayer frees our mind and places us at the feet of God. It reaffirms His love for us and reminds us that His plan is greater then we can possibly comprehend.

Accept that some things have changed.

Holding onto “what was” prevents us from enjoying “what is.” Changes, whether we wanted them or not, are often opportunities for us to move in a new direction. A direction that we might not have considered if it wasn’t for the loss we experienced.

Enjoy what you have rather than focusing on what you do not have.

Take a close look at what you have and participate fully by connecting to and appreciating the people and blessings in your life. Call a friend you haven’t spoken to lately.Start a gratitude journal and list three things you’re grateful for each day.

Modify traditions or invent new ways to celebrate.

Place the emphasis on Christ’s birth and His purpose for coming to earth. Take time to meditate on His love and mercy and share the “good news” with others.

Do what you can; not what others expect you to do.

If  having a houseful of guests would be too much, consider foregoing entertaining altogether and instead accept invitations from others.

Some people find comfort in volunteering or donating to a favorite charity.

“It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). Giving from the heart blesses not only the receiver but inevitably finds it way back to the giver, shaken down and spilling over.

Give yourself permission to have fun and enjoy laughter.

Joy is a blessing. It heals our hearts and renews our faith and hope.

However you choose to celebrate remember that a new year brings new possibilities and opportunities. Keeping our hearts and minds open to what lies ahead is an excellent way to reaffirm our faith and minister to others.

To read and download FREE articles on Healing From Loss please visit my website www.grief-recovery.org

Setting up a Memorial

The loss of a loved one turns life upside down. The world as you knew it has changed and those changes require that you in turn adjust to a “new normal.” Changing your perception and behavior and moving in a new direction is not easy. In fact, it’s probably the most difficult thing you’ll ever be asked to do. The mere thought of letting go causes anxiety because you assume that letting go means forgetting the person and denying that the relationship ever existed. Nothing could be further from the truth. Letting go means releasing the sorrow but cherishing the memories that you shared together and recalling the joy that each of you brought to the relationship.

Setting up a memorial can be a way of holding your special memories close to you and at the same time sharing them with others. There are no set rules for erecting a memorial. However, before you decide on a specific project, spend some time considering what would summarize the person’s life in a loving and meaningful way. Gather mementos and memorabilia and look through them. Ask friends and family for input.

You may not be ready for months or perhaps years to consider a memorial. However, when you’re ready, the following pages contain suggestions to help you get started.

Memorial Garden
It can be a simple flowerbed or an elaborate garden that includes a fountain and/or a pond. Be sure to include flowers and/or plants that had special significance to the person you’re honoring.

Memory Book
Put together a collection of memorabilia that was meaningful to the person. It can include awards, pictures, newspaper clippings, art, etc.

Video
Encourage others to contribute pictures going back as far as possible. Include dates and captions and add his/her favorite music. Keep it cheerful and lighthearted.

Website
Write about the influence the person had in your life and in the lives of others. Include accomplishments at work and in the community and any volunteer work or charitable organizations they were involved with. Include pictures, stories, testimonials from friends, awards and accomplishments, etc.

Donate
Make a contribution to his/her favorite charity or foundation in their name. Ask if the foundation will allow a plaque to be hung in their honor.

Volunteer
Consider spending two or three hours a week volunteering at their favorite charitable organization or one that they were associated with during their lifetime.

Scholarship
Consider setting up a new foundation that will help at-risk youth in the following ways: achieve their potential, acquire a college education, receive counseling and mentoring, etc.

While it’s important that you give yourself permission to grieve and mourn, it’s equally important that you give yourself permission to accept healing and move forward with renewed hope and purpose.

The above is an excerpt from my book Life Interrupted: Grief Recovery Guide and Workbook available through Amazon.com and www.grief-recovery.org  NOTE: “See inside the book” option and FREE articles are also available on the website.

Grieving, Mourning and Healing

“Everyone grieves when someone dies, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn.”  (Alan Wolfelt, PhD)

Healing, after the death of a loved one, a divorce or any life-altering situation, begins when we acknowledge our loss and allow ourselves to experience the feelings connected with that loss. Grieving involves the emotions we’re experiencing; mourning is the expression of those feelings.

The next step necessitate releasing our associations and dreams connected to the person or lifestyle that is no longer a part of our lives. This doesn’t happen immediately nor does it follow a prescribed method. It’s a process that takes time, effort, commitment and hard work. But, like a germinating seed, the day will come when you’ll break through the dark place into the light and begin to live your life exactly as it’s meant to be lived. And when that happens the memories that are now painful will become memories that you can cherish and treasure.

Please visit my website www.grief-recovery.org for FREE articles on Healing From Loss.

Helping Family & Friends Who Are Grieving

Going through the experience of grieving with a family member or friend that’s lost a loved one is an ordeal none of us wish to experience. On the one hand, we want to offer support and encouragement but on the other hand we’re afraid of saying or doing something that will make matters worse. Because grieving is a deeply personal experience, there are no hard and fast rules that we should follow, however, there are a few important things to keep in mind. Some of the most common expressions of grief include disbelief, crying, depression, anger, fear, etc. Some people have described the range of emotions similar to being on a roller coaster with emotions varying from mild to deeply intense from one day to the next or even from hour to hour.

When offering sympathy it’s best to keep our expressions simple and sincere. Statements such as,”I’m truly sorry about your loss. How can I help,” can be a way to initiate conversation and at the same time let the person know that you’re willing to support them through their sorrow. Something else to keep in mind is listening without judging or censuring and offering comfort without making their loss seem insignificant. Cliches such as: “I know what you’re going through” or “everything happens for a reason,” are meaningless and can come across as being condescending and detached.

On the practical side, offering to help with chores or other responsibilities will provide a sense of community and caring. Ask them what they need help with or offer to help in areas that you can commit to such as: grocery shopping, preparing a meal, babysittting, helping with household chores, driving them to appointments, etc.

Oftentimes, reality sets in several days or weeks after the funeral services are over, when the person has to deal with life alone or in an entirely new and different way. Continuing to stay in touch by visiting, calling and /or sending cards is important. Holidays and anniversaries can be particularly difficult and may cause the person to experience a resurgence of intense feelings. Being sensitive and allowing them to express their sadness or other emotions will help them get through those rough days. Including them in holiday activities and/or celebrations, especially if they don’t have family nearby is also important.

Regardless of the particular way that we choose to support a grieving family member or friend, our main goal should be to convey empathy through our support while encouraging them to move forward with renewed hope and courage.

To dowload FREE “Healing from Loss” articles please visit my website: www.grief-recovery.org  

Talking to Children About Death

Children have a built-in tendency to sense when something is wrong. Letting them know (in age appropriate terms) when a close family member is seriously ill or has died, is much better than withholding information and speaking in hushed voices. Keeping children “in the dark” creates and air of mystery and impending doom. Children have vivid imaginations and tend to put the worst possible interpretations on things they don’t understand especially when adults are being secretive. Talking to them about the situation will help them to better comprehend what’s happening and lessen their anxiety. Some pointers to keep in mind when talking to children about death are:

• Keep the conversation brief (children have short attention spans).
• Use simple terminology that’s age appropriate.
• Be honest but share only basic information.
• Reassure them that while the situation is sad, the world and their lives will continue.
• Ask them if they have any questions or concerns.
• Tell them they can come to you anytime they want to talk.

Some people have legitimate concerns about allowing children to attend and/or participate in the funeral service of a loved one. My children were in their mid teens when their grandfather passed away. They attended the funeral services along with several cousins of various ages. Among those in attendance were many of dad’s friends who came with extended family members including three and four-year-olds. One case that stands out in my memory is the great grandfather that held his grandson (age 4) by the hand as he greeted the mourners. The elderly gentleman extended his hand to each of us and offered his condolences. The little boy followed his grandfather’s example and extended his hand as he repeated the same phrase his grand parent had used. The procedure, which was conducted in a natural and respectful manner, served not only to provide an example of appropriate behavior but also implied that death is not something alien and cataclysmic but is in essence a part of life. The funeral service can also be a way for children to see the big picture and acquire a sense of closure they might not otherwise have.

However, the decision whether to allow children to attend funeral services or not, is one that each parent needs to make with their own children in mind. Several factors that need to be taken into consideration are: the child’s age, maturity level, relationship to the deceased, current issues in the child’s life, etc.

Whatever decision the parents make, the most important thing to keep in mind is the need to provide constant reassurance of your love and willingness to talk to them especially when a close family member dies. This will go a long way toward helping them heal and move forward in their own lives.

The above is an excerpt from my book Life Interrupted: Grief Recovery Guide and Workbook available through Amazon.com and www.grief-recovery.org  NOTE: “See inside the book” option and FREE articles are also available on the website.