Misconceptions About Grief

Although our loss may be similar to the losses that others have experienced, the way in which we process grief is unique to who we are. Each of us grieve in our own way and at our own pace due to many factors including our personality, the uniqueness of our loss as well as our life experiences and belief system. Nevertheless, many people find it difficult to accept or make allowances for that reality. This has given rise to several myths and misconceptions about the “proper” way to grieve. I would like to share the most common myths with you along with a brief counter argument.

• Myth: Grieving shows a lack of faith in God.

Truth: It’s natural to weep and experience sorrow when we lose a loved one. It doesn’t mean we lack faith.

• Myth: Showing emotion is a sign of weakness.

Truth: Emotions are a part of our humanity. Showing emotion is healthier than denying and suppressing our feelings.

• Myth: Grieving should last only 2 or 3 months.

Truth: There is no set time when grieving should end.

• Myth: Grief should be kept private.

Truth: Expressing grief over our loss helps us to heal and gives others the opportunity to offer their support.

• Myth: Grief follows an orderly and predetermined pattern.

Truth: Grieving is a unique experience. There’s no set pattern.

• Myth: Losing an infant isn’t painful because the parents didn’t have time to bond.

Truth: Losing an infant is a big loss and should not be compared with other losses.

• Myth: Talking about the deceased person will intensify the pain.

Truth: Sharing with others about the deceased person helps us process our emotions and encourages healing.

• Myth: Being happy after a loved one has died is a betrayal to their memory.

Truth: Healing and being happy can help us to recall the special times we shared with our loved one while they were with us.

• Myth: Healing means that we must forget our loved one in order to move forward.

Truth: Healing means that we have chosen to live our life fully and that includes cherishing the memories of our loved one.

Pressure to conform to a predetermined set of beliefs can actually slow down the healing process and compound the grief due to guilt. Believing that we will get through this with God, seeking Him and relying on His Word to provide comfort will not only bring healing, it will strengthen our faith so that we in turn can help someone else that’s grief.

“Who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” 2 Corinthians 1:4 

Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.” (Helen Keller)

To donwload FREE articles on healing from loss and suggestions on what to “say/do” when expressing sypmathy please visit my website www.grief-recovery.org

Healthy Venting: You and Your Journal

A traumatic experience, such as the break-up of a meaningful relationship or the death of a loved one, creates major changes in our lives and affects every area of our existence including how we interact with others. The way that we choose to express our grief is personal and often based on how we relate to life on a daily basis. Reactions can range from wanting to be left alone to wanting someone nearby at all times. Some people may cry or display their grief openly, others may consider grieving to be strictly a private matter and still others may deny their feelings altogether.

Allowing ourselves (or others) to experience grief without expectations or time limits is important. Pretending that something didn’t happen or that we’re not affected by it is not an option. Denial is a red flag that needs to be attended to immediately. It’s not something that will go away on it own. A person that’s living in denial may give the appearance that they’ve dealt with the crisis and are moving forward nicely. However, if they’re having difficulty controlling their emotions or are indulging in behavior that’s contrary to what they would normally do (e.g. impulsive buying, gambling, etc) denial may be a factor worth considering.

So how do we express our emotions in an effort to avoid denial? A method that worked for me when we experienced the loss of several family members in a relatively short span of time was writing in a journal. Writing allowed me to express my feelings without having to explain or justify them at a time of my own choosing and in the privacy of my own home. It’s a method that I highly recommend not only because it worked for me, but because others have used it with equally great success. No special tools are required. A spiral notebook and a pen will serve the purpose. Below are a few tips to help you get started.

• Select a time of day and place that allows you to write uninterrupted.
• Write daily for a least 15 minutes.
• Use pen and paper (versus a keyboard).
• Express your feelings without censoring.
• Store your journal in a private place.
• Use a different journal for different topics or situations

Using a journal to express our feelings has many benefits including some unexpected ones. It lead me to write two books on grief recovery and eventually to start a series of workshops designed to help people recover from traumatic loss and move forward with renewed hope. Venting your feeling in a journal is a good way to express yourself without worrying what someone else might think.

Please visit my website http://www.grief-recovery.org for FREE articles on Healing from Loss and suggestions on what to say/do when expressing sympathy.